Another Medium of Expression

If you had read my previous posts, you would've realised that I wasn't feeling that hot and I often complained about the state of loneliness I was feeling and all that. Well, truth be told, I've kinda moved on and I try to avoid everything in the fear that I wuold do something destructive. It's not a nice feeling. I have shown people how I felt inside when I'm feeling down and I don't like it, honestly. But that being said, you can't run away or avoid everything forever and you soon need to face the things that made you feel the way you didn't want to. People, sometimes in general, made me feel insecure, scared, lonely...you name it. But it's not right to avoid things. Friends even. Sometimes maybe they don't get you and you feel hurt inside, but you gotta learn that not everyone can attend to your needs. Took me awhile to realise that. Everyone is different and you gotta accept people for being that way. People grow up differently, people see things differently...It's just life.

Well, despite me moving on and trying to look for the best in everything, the pessimist inside me won't go away. In fact I want him to stay. Keeps me grounded, and at times, sane. During my times of feeling down, the he kinda made me question everything and be wary of what ever's around.

Anyway, if you guys didn't really fully comprehend my state during the down times, maybe these recordings might give you an idea.


Jumping at Shadows





Minor Blues





These were recorded in a sound studio, backing and lead parts played by me. If you want the backing track just leave a comment and I can give you all I have.

Looking Back

A good friend of mine retold a visit he had to his great grand-father. The bedridden man, despite his physical disabilities in his old age still went about trying to make his family feel comfortable and happy. Despite his frail and weak body, he manages to laugh. However, the one thing he said to my friend which got me thinking was,

'Never regret meeting anyone in your life.' Despite those failed relationships and mistrusted friends, never have regrets.

Not too long ago another friend told me that despite the little disagreements and squabbles with friends and how they make you feel left out or chucked aside, never feel down. Never make them feel the way you felt. Be the better person. If you do what they did to you, no one's the better. Taking some sort of revenge will only end up hurting you deep inside. It only proves to be a self-inflicting pain if you hurt others.

Then I asked myself, is it a coincidence that all this fell upon the same period I was upset with a whole bunch of people? Take what my friend's great grandad told him and how it can all be of use to my situation. Add in the advice my friend gave me. You get the perfect solution to patience and tolerance. Sure, I was upset with several people and I didn't know how to react but I find it somehow funny that the advice I received could be that convenient, given my current situation.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's about how you react that shows who you really are. It's difficult but a test of someone's character is shown in tough times. I know I'm not perfect and, without a doubt, I'm not really a good person. But I wonder, even if I could, would I ever be the better person?

Issue with Time Travelling (Part One)

A team in my cohort created a game called 'Paradox'. Yes, as you might have guessed, the issue on hand here is...Time. In their game, the protagonist has the power to control time.

So it got me thinking. If you could control time, what would happen? What are the repercussions? So I've kinda come up with several scenarios.

Firstly. Duplicates. If you had the ability to go back in time... Wouldn't there be duplicates of yourself? Think about say you were standing under a tree on Monday. Fews days went by and on Friday, you had the ability to rip the fabric of time and space and go back to the past. You decided to travel back to Monday. Would you see yourself standing under the tree you stood under four days before you travelled back in time? Or would you disappear and find that that body which stood under the tree no longer stood under the tree and was in fact you? If so, doesn't it mean that you never stood under the tree, instead on Monday, you looked back at the tree looking for yourself because of your time travelling exploits, you then for some reason in the past succumb to looking at the direction of the tree not knowing why, but the you of the future who travelled back in time knew, the reason for looking at the direction of the tree. Then again, if you never knew why you looked back at the tree, would you ever know the reason why? Maybe, could there be a rewinding situation, where, travelling back in time makes you forget and then due to your ignorance of your past time travelling exploits, which will occur in the future, does it mean that you're stuck in this infinite loop of travelling back in time every Friday to get back to Monday seeing a tree for no particular reason at all? Geddit? I don't know... Kinda confusing.

Secondly. Say you could travel back in time and you didn't like what you did in the present and went back in time to change things around...then obviously, it never happened, the thing you deemed must be changed. But the question is, would you then know the consequences of what you might have done? Say for example, you stole a watch and you get chased by the police and say that watch had national significance and everyone is after your head, and the watch. Now, if you get caught and tortured and then found that you had the ability to go back in time, and you did, and you correct your mistake and didn't steal the watch...you would then be aware of the consequences which followed if you did steal the watch? Ok, try this then...

Someone tells you a secret and you go back in time and decide to not hear that secret. But the question is...you already know the secret and does travelling back in time make you forget that secret or does it make you carry the secret with you...That's if time travelling has no side effects of the individual or duplication effects on the body which travelled time. Cos, technically, you don't know what is going to happen, in the perpetual motion of time...but if you could reverse the motion, from a future perspective, and bring it forward again with different motives...would you know what happened? Or would it have happened? Or would someone, like yourself who travelled through time, know what would have happened?

I'm racking my brain off just trying to find the right words to put... And I doubt you guys understand this... Seesh

(Part 2)

So let's say I did manage to time travel, and there are duplicates... It means that me from the future who came to past would carry information about the future, seeing as I was from that time. But technically, if duplicates do exist due to time travelling, it would mean that I do know something, yet I don't. Geddit? Lemme rephrase. If me from the future who went back in time is A, and that me of the past who gets visited by me of the future is B... Work with me on this one... So, A knows something but B doesn't. Technically therefore do know yet I don't, given that moment or period of time. Because, both A and B are the same person, the same body, so to speak, but they are different in physical body.

Also, if B did something to injure himself, would A get affected? Or would travelling back in time create some kinda safety haven-like devise, metaphysically, that would prevent them from experiencing, or having experienced the injury? Cos, A would be in the same time zone as B and eventhough A is from the future, he went back to the past and they are two different physical bodies...

Maybe, I needa think this through..Till then, I guess, the me of the past will travel to the future and meet you in the present...ish

Fuck It

I won't start with some aimless introduction this time, instead I'll go straight to the point. Culture clash. It was so obvious. I have difficulty trying to fit in and blending in so much that I forgot... I'm just different from people I wanna hang with.

It was so fucking obvious. First I thought about it when a really close friend told me it was my up-bringing. I tried to look elsewhere. Then I'd realised. People I'm better with are those who have been in situations I've been in. I speak with adults and dudes and gals who have either been raised beyond the borders of this island or have had experiences outside.

I was at first eager to put aside the idea cos well, my friend said that they weren't exposed to the world and only realise the things that are within the island. Outside stuff is all read about and media-ified. So basically their perception of the world is confined to either someone's own perception published in a book or something they've seen on TV. But also, seeing that exposure to the outside has made me realised, subconsciously, the finer, more important parts of life are often over-looked when you're raised in a tiny island. Most don't understand the simple lingo of the West and most just don't 'get it'. But it's not because of their intellectual, it's just their ignorance of the world outside. Living in a tiny small island kinda makes you create a tiny small mindset. It's not that I'm smart, it's just that they didn't get the exposure I did.

I was fortunate to live in places abroad; New Zealand, London, New York. It shaped my thinking. I'm outspoken but that's because of frustration of the lack of diversity in the thinking of my people. Jokes are bland and dull, because most don't get grey humor. Conversations are pointless and not thought provoking because most don't even try. I don't need smart friends, I want friends who at least think and give insight of their opinions. I don't need friends who know who tons of shit, just people who can carry a conversation without going into reminiscence of who farted during which awkward moment. Of course this refers to conversations on a more deep thinking approach. Hanging out is alright. Friends can say shit and who cares. But when it comes to a more deeper level of thinking. It gets boring after awhile.

I see things differently from most. And most of the time, I've been upset that I'm so different and have different perceptions from everyone else. I don't see the benefits on little squabbles and bitchin'. I bitch and I know people speak behind my back. It's just life. If you don't accept that people talk behind you, you're very naive. In fact you're an ignorant fool who's self-centred. Now, most people cannot accept that here. They resort to clique formation and a 'priority friends' mentality. It's very immature but that's what I see.

I know I'm not popular, I know people say shit about me. I know people hate my accent, my attitude, my outspoken nature when I voice an opinion because I don't see it right. And I know people have bad impressions of me. Take an example, I was told I was similar to someone slick, dirty and very bitchy, in a effeminate nature. I was shock at the last part. I know I'm not charismatic or likeable, but effeminate? That's a first. I asked people whether I had displays of a female nature, they laughed it off. I can bitch, but it's more of a dull type of bitchin. I see something I tell it like it is, almost monotonous. But then again, I guess I'm seen by people here as 'slick, dirty' and what have you.

The accent doesn't help as I'm also seen as pompous. But that's because I lived overseas, and I'm sorry I picked up accent... similarly to how you picked up yours staying in the country for so long, and I know more General Knowledge nonsense than most. Most are ignorant in the way they perceive and their lack of knowledge doesn't help. If I say something, it's 'oh, there goes Mr Know-It-All'. If some local who speaks in their accent and slang says the same thing, they applaud his understanding and brilliance. I would too, I'd be really impress...But you see the imbalance?

Pfft. Frustrating sometimes. And it doesn't help that it's no one's fault. Finally emotions. Having lived in other countries and having learnt and witnessed how foreigners do it outside made me forget how they do it inside this country. It's almost like there's no sincerity over here. But that's because people here a different approach to helping a friend. It's not very obvious but that's it. They tried and you don't really notice it. But they genuinely do try to make it better. People here are not emotional based and that any context of a question related to emotion is just another act of going through the motion. Lemme rephrase. Over here it's customary, outside it's a chance to speak up. I hear locals complaining about lack of freedom of speech, but Asians are naturally strong willed and aren't very feel based people. I have been asked by friends about how I am and what they can do...but there doesn't seem to be a connection. Stuff I say are somehow changed to avoid them getting offended. If I say something that might blame them, I'm their enemy. I don't know...that's how I perceive. Call me ignorant, call me foolish. I say it as it is.

I think in retrospect. The culture here is very different. I'm different and I don't seem to be able to infiltrate the culture and thinking that easily. To me it's all quite confined and limited to each group. They way they react and perceive is rather different, to some cases shallow. I don't blame them, they were born into this system and they use it. But don't get me wrong, they are very textbook people. Smart, strong, good obedient followers who are also determined. But most just 'don't get it'. I'm not angry, or ever will be, at anyone. I think I've given up on being angry and accepted that I'm just another dude passing by.

A Friend

A true friend is someone who's there when you're down. Often forgotten when times are good, but always there when you need someone to talk to.

Social War

Sometimes, people can be full of crap. Sometimes, people don't realise that their nonsense actually does affect those around them. And most of the time, these people don't know why things happen and how they actually caused it.

Let's put it in a different context. The generally accepted, or perceived notion, of 'emo' refers to someone who is alone and doesn't exercise interaction and socialising due to some form of depression. But have you really wondered deeper on why that person may feel that way? Probably, yes. But have you really tried to make 'em feel any better? Despite their persistence at wanting to be alone, have you tried to really sit down and create a dialogue?

Everyone wants to be heard. Everyone has a story they wanna tell but some people find it more difficult than others. Some have a tendency to be more open easily whilst others need some time and gain trust of another individual to really open up. Me, I'm the latter. I can be bipolar and I get worse when I feel that no one cares. How? Well, the fact that I'm writing this is example of a last resort for me to make my feelings heard. But I digress.

At this moment of time, I'm facing a minute emotional distress amongst the people I interact with everyday. Not familial, but colleagues and friends. Why? Because I somehow feel that no one really appreciates me as a person and that I'm always being used by everyone.

If you hate me or hate personal stories, please log onto some other website 'cause I don't like to bore people about myself. If you do choose to continue reading...Very well.

I feel like I'm frequently being used by people around me. I have some musical background and I help compose songs for friends and so on. But I feel like people have abused my ability and that I don't get appreciated for my efforts. I feel like I'm only there because they need me to help 'em out. Apart from that, I wouldn't even be known. I'm taken for granted and that these people will just see me today and forget me tomorrow.

Same goes with 'friends'. Whenever people are alone, I would talk to them. If it's a big group, I couldn't care less. But if someone doesn't seem alright, I'll do my best to help 'em out. But the goddamn thing can't be said the other way around. Whenever I'm down, no one really approaches me and wants to know my problems. I get the usual, 'Anything wrong?' and if I say 'no', they'd be 'Alright...well, take care'. No one has ever come to me and say, 'No, you don't seem alright. If you want to talk about it, I'm all ears'. Never. I've been told secrets and emotions of people but I've never told much of my own state to many people. Why, because I feel that no one really wants to know.

This has made a huge side effect on me. Because of this, I feel that I'm under appreciated. I'm there for Music and Footie. Apart from that, no one would really ask me out to hang out. Really...I know I'm not a perfect dude, but I'm rarely called out to hang out. Even with the people I frequently talk to. I'm never in their priority list or anyone's in fact. I'm just another person you'd probably met, chatted with, took for granted and forgotten. Because of the affection I'm receiving from people I talk to, I feel this way. I feel like I'm not important. I feel like I'm just an extra in everyone's life. I feel like I wouldn't make a difference in anyone's life and that my presence is just there for no reason but for being there.

Work related. In my project team, I feel like no one really appreciates me as a person outside. I'm just another team member. I'm the one who animates, does the sound, music and story concepts. But outside...I'm not missed, I'm no one important. Just a pawn, a tool for you to use to get by in your selfish desires to claim achievement and success.

Remember this, no one is 'emo' by choice for no reason. People around them make them that way. Society forces them to feel this way. So by casting these people and branding them as a menace or a nuisance is just making things worse. So, really if someone you know becomes this way, talk to them. If they persist on being silent, make them feel wanted and that they have some ears to talk to. Don't make them feel the way I have. Everyone wants to share something. Be it problems or worries. But will you listen?

Angst Years of My Life

Teenage Kicks. We've all had 'em. We can't control 'em sometimes. It's funny that when you're young, you really can't wait to grow older and do things which grown ups do. The sad part is when you can do all those 'wonderful new things', it's pretty much anticlimactic.

Think about it, the glories of being an adult and the stuff you can do could be your downfall. As a child, you don't have not much worries through your actions. Breaking a vase or losing dad's favourite book isn't as bad as breaking the law or losing your virginity. Think deeper. The reason for the stuff you did when you were younger were largely based on your capacity to have fun. Past that stage and onto pre-adult life, your fun is risky kicks which might end up kicking you in the back.

But, honestly, you can't back out of some things that you do. Like for me, most of the things I do are for acceptance. I mean, as a teen, you feel like nobody understands you and the stuff you go through and you want to be part of a group which can facilitate to your needs. These social groups are formed by the insecurities of teens. Popular kids need to be told or felt like they're God's gift to the school, in the other end of the spectrum, 'weird' kids have a tendency to dress and prefer different things from the mainstream following crowd. In their respective groups, they get that attention they crave.

Take me for example. I've never really gone out and painted the town red or had loads of chicks. I'm also a very individualistic person, in the sense that I'm competitive and hate large organisations or social groups. I feel that it kills the individual's creative prowess and overwhelms the person's ability to shine. I also wanted to show people that I could do something not many can, or are good at. I wanted to stand out. So I looked towards music. Initially, it was due to acceptance. I wanted people to like me. My insecurities got the better of me when I told myself that girls digged guitarists. So I practiced religiously at home and played till late at night. However, despite my persistence, I never had females coming to me to be blasted by some riff or lick I learnt and practiced. Sucked ass, I know. But it goes to show how much you're willing to go to be accepted by others. However, over time, as I grew more attached to music and honed my playing abilities at home and in school, I began getting recognised by some people. So, I guess in that sense, you never get what you want. But what you had wanted might come when you least expect it.

Other people might do other things. Me, I tell jokes. I want to speak to people and I do that via stories, anecdotes and jokes. Anything to get guys to speak to me, pretty girls to communicate with... The desire to be accepted is something quite forceful. I see girls wearing layer after layer of make-up to make themselves more attractive. It's not wrong, it's just the way we teenagers and young adults do stuff to get noticed and accepted. Some dudes dress flamboyantly, others do cheap stunts. Drug addicts, smokers...you name 'em. Peer pressure to be part of a group or to maintain the same friends you have.

Teenage life is one which is not without drama, my friend. It's sure as hell is fun but it's also one that make one look pathetic. Usually sub-conscious to that individual but the desire to be part of a group, to be accepted, to be loved, to be understood...it's some of the things we teenage have, or are going, through and has is the fuel for us doing what we do and how behave. Of course, you could say that familial upbringings play a part, but there are some cases where prestiges families have kids who do silly things due to external influences. But this is just my take. This is what I feel about life as a adolescent. All these hormones and curiosity mixed with hidden desires and cravings...You'll never know man...