Fuck It

I won't start with some aimless introduction this time, instead I'll go straight to the point. Culture clash. It was so obvious. I have difficulty trying to fit in and blending in so much that I forgot... I'm just different from people I wanna hang with.

It was so fucking obvious. First I thought about it when a really close friend told me it was my up-bringing. I tried to look elsewhere. Then I'd realised. People I'm better with are those who have been in situations I've been in. I speak with adults and dudes and gals who have either been raised beyond the borders of this island or have had experiences outside.

I was at first eager to put aside the idea cos well, my friend said that they weren't exposed to the world and only realise the things that are within the island. Outside stuff is all read about and media-ified. So basically their perception of the world is confined to either someone's own perception published in a book or something they've seen on TV. But also, seeing that exposure to the outside has made me realised, subconsciously, the finer, more important parts of life are often over-looked when you're raised in a tiny island. Most don't understand the simple lingo of the West and most just don't 'get it'. But it's not because of their intellectual, it's just their ignorance of the world outside. Living in a tiny small island kinda makes you create a tiny small mindset. It's not that I'm smart, it's just that they didn't get the exposure I did.

I was fortunate to live in places abroad; New Zealand, London, New York. It shaped my thinking. I'm outspoken but that's because of frustration of the lack of diversity in the thinking of my people. Jokes are bland and dull, because most don't get grey humor. Conversations are pointless and not thought provoking because most don't even try. I don't need smart friends, I want friends who at least think and give insight of their opinions. I don't need friends who know who tons of shit, just people who can carry a conversation without going into reminiscence of who farted during which awkward moment. Of course this refers to conversations on a more deep thinking approach. Hanging out is alright. Friends can say shit and who cares. But when it comes to a more deeper level of thinking. It gets boring after awhile.

I see things differently from most. And most of the time, I've been upset that I'm so different and have different perceptions from everyone else. I don't see the benefits on little squabbles and bitchin'. I bitch and I know people speak behind my back. It's just life. If you don't accept that people talk behind you, you're very naive. In fact you're an ignorant fool who's self-centred. Now, most people cannot accept that here. They resort to clique formation and a 'priority friends' mentality. It's very immature but that's what I see.

I know I'm not popular, I know people say shit about me. I know people hate my accent, my attitude, my outspoken nature when I voice an opinion because I don't see it right. And I know people have bad impressions of me. Take an example, I was told I was similar to someone slick, dirty and very bitchy, in a effeminate nature. I was shock at the last part. I know I'm not charismatic or likeable, but effeminate? That's a first. I asked people whether I had displays of a female nature, they laughed it off. I can bitch, but it's more of a dull type of bitchin. I see something I tell it like it is, almost monotonous. But then again, I guess I'm seen by people here as 'slick, dirty' and what have you.

The accent doesn't help as I'm also seen as pompous. But that's because I lived overseas, and I'm sorry I picked up accent... similarly to how you picked up yours staying in the country for so long, and I know more General Knowledge nonsense than most. Most are ignorant in the way they perceive and their lack of knowledge doesn't help. If I say something, it's 'oh, there goes Mr Know-It-All'. If some local who speaks in their accent and slang says the same thing, they applaud his understanding and brilliance. I would too, I'd be really impress...But you see the imbalance?

Pfft. Frustrating sometimes. And it doesn't help that it's no one's fault. Finally emotions. Having lived in other countries and having learnt and witnessed how foreigners do it outside made me forget how they do it inside this country. It's almost like there's no sincerity over here. But that's because people here a different approach to helping a friend. It's not very obvious but that's it. They tried and you don't really notice it. But they genuinely do try to make it better. People here are not emotional based and that any context of a question related to emotion is just another act of going through the motion. Lemme rephrase. Over here it's customary, outside it's a chance to speak up. I hear locals complaining about lack of freedom of speech, but Asians are naturally strong willed and aren't very feel based people. I have been asked by friends about how I am and what they can do...but there doesn't seem to be a connection. Stuff I say are somehow changed to avoid them getting offended. If I say something that might blame them, I'm their enemy. I don't know...that's how I perceive. Call me ignorant, call me foolish. I say it as it is.

I think in retrospect. The culture here is very different. I'm different and I don't seem to be able to infiltrate the culture and thinking that easily. To me it's all quite confined and limited to each group. They way they react and perceive is rather different, to some cases shallow. I don't blame them, they were born into this system and they use it. But don't get me wrong, they are very textbook people. Smart, strong, good obedient followers who are also determined. But most just 'don't get it'. I'm not angry, or ever will be, at anyone. I think I've given up on being angry and accepted that I'm just another dude passing by.