Another Medium of Expression

If you had read my previous posts, you would've realised that I wasn't feeling that hot and I often complained about the state of loneliness I was feeling and all that. Well, truth be told, I've kinda moved on and I try to avoid everything in the fear that I wuold do something destructive. It's not a nice feeling. I have shown people how I felt inside when I'm feeling down and I don't like it, honestly. But that being said, you can't run away or avoid everything forever and you soon need to face the things that made you feel the way you didn't want to. People, sometimes in general, made me feel insecure, scared, lonely...you name it. But it's not right to avoid things. Friends even. Sometimes maybe they don't get you and you feel hurt inside, but you gotta learn that not everyone can attend to your needs. Took me awhile to realise that. Everyone is different and you gotta accept people for being that way. People grow up differently, people see things differently...It's just life.

Well, despite me moving on and trying to look for the best in everything, the pessimist inside me won't go away. In fact I want him to stay. Keeps me grounded, and at times, sane. During my times of feeling down, the he kinda made me question everything and be wary of what ever's around.

Anyway, if you guys didn't really fully comprehend my state during the down times, maybe these recordings might give you an idea.


Jumping at Shadows





Minor Blues





These were recorded in a sound studio, backing and lead parts played by me. If you want the backing track just leave a comment and I can give you all I have.

Looking Back

A good friend of mine retold a visit he had to his great grand-father. The bedridden man, despite his physical disabilities in his old age still went about trying to make his family feel comfortable and happy. Despite his frail and weak body, he manages to laugh. However, the one thing he said to my friend which got me thinking was,

'Never regret meeting anyone in your life.' Despite those failed relationships and mistrusted friends, never have regrets.

Not too long ago another friend told me that despite the little disagreements and squabbles with friends and how they make you feel left out or chucked aside, never feel down. Never make them feel the way you felt. Be the better person. If you do what they did to you, no one's the better. Taking some sort of revenge will only end up hurting you deep inside. It only proves to be a self-inflicting pain if you hurt others.

Then I asked myself, is it a coincidence that all this fell upon the same period I was upset with a whole bunch of people? Take what my friend's great grandad told him and how it can all be of use to my situation. Add in the advice my friend gave me. You get the perfect solution to patience and tolerance. Sure, I was upset with several people and I didn't know how to react but I find it somehow funny that the advice I received could be that convenient, given my current situation.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's about how you react that shows who you really are. It's difficult but a test of someone's character is shown in tough times. I know I'm not perfect and, without a doubt, I'm not really a good person. But I wonder, even if I could, would I ever be the better person?

Issue with Time Travelling (Part One)

A team in my cohort created a game called 'Paradox'. Yes, as you might have guessed, the issue on hand here is...Time. In their game, the protagonist has the power to control time.

So it got me thinking. If you could control time, what would happen? What are the repercussions? So I've kinda come up with several scenarios.

Firstly. Duplicates. If you had the ability to go back in time... Wouldn't there be duplicates of yourself? Think about say you were standing under a tree on Monday. Fews days went by and on Friday, you had the ability to rip the fabric of time and space and go back to the past. You decided to travel back to Monday. Would you see yourself standing under the tree you stood under four days before you travelled back in time? Or would you disappear and find that that body which stood under the tree no longer stood under the tree and was in fact you? If so, doesn't it mean that you never stood under the tree, instead on Monday, you looked back at the tree looking for yourself because of your time travelling exploits, you then for some reason in the past succumb to looking at the direction of the tree not knowing why, but the you of the future who travelled back in time knew, the reason for looking at the direction of the tree. Then again, if you never knew why you looked back at the tree, would you ever know the reason why? Maybe, could there be a rewinding situation, where, travelling back in time makes you forget and then due to your ignorance of your past time travelling exploits, which will occur in the future, does it mean that you're stuck in this infinite loop of travelling back in time every Friday to get back to Monday seeing a tree for no particular reason at all? Geddit? I don't know... Kinda confusing.

Secondly. Say you could travel back in time and you didn't like what you did in the present and went back in time to change things around...then obviously, it never happened, the thing you deemed must be changed. But the question is, would you then know the consequences of what you might have done? Say for example, you stole a watch and you get chased by the police and say that watch had national significance and everyone is after your head, and the watch. Now, if you get caught and tortured and then found that you had the ability to go back in time, and you did, and you correct your mistake and didn't steal the watch...you would then be aware of the consequences which followed if you did steal the watch? Ok, try this then...

Someone tells you a secret and you go back in time and decide to not hear that secret. But the question is...you already know the secret and does travelling back in time make you forget that secret or does it make you carry the secret with you...That's if time travelling has no side effects of the individual or duplication effects on the body which travelled time. Cos, technically, you don't know what is going to happen, in the perpetual motion of time...but if you could reverse the motion, from a future perspective, and bring it forward again with different motives...would you know what happened? Or would it have happened? Or would someone, like yourself who travelled through time, know what would have happened?

I'm racking my brain off just trying to find the right words to put... And I doubt you guys understand this... Seesh

(Part 2)

So let's say I did manage to time travel, and there are duplicates... It means that me from the future who came to past would carry information about the future, seeing as I was from that time. But technically, if duplicates do exist due to time travelling, it would mean that I do know something, yet I don't. Geddit? Lemme rephrase. If me from the future who went back in time is A, and that me of the past who gets visited by me of the future is B... Work with me on this one... So, A knows something but B doesn't. Technically therefore do know yet I don't, given that moment or period of time. Because, both A and B are the same person, the same body, so to speak, but they are different in physical body.

Also, if B did something to injure himself, would A get affected? Or would travelling back in time create some kinda safety haven-like devise, metaphysically, that would prevent them from experiencing, or having experienced the injury? Cos, A would be in the same time zone as B and eventhough A is from the future, he went back to the past and they are two different physical bodies...

Maybe, I needa think this through..Till then, I guess, the me of the past will travel to the future and meet you in the present...ish

Fuck It

I won't start with some aimless introduction this time, instead I'll go straight to the point. Culture clash. It was so obvious. I have difficulty trying to fit in and blending in so much that I forgot... I'm just different from people I wanna hang with.

It was so fucking obvious. First I thought about it when a really close friend told me it was my up-bringing. I tried to look elsewhere. Then I'd realised. People I'm better with are those who have been in situations I've been in. I speak with adults and dudes and gals who have either been raised beyond the borders of this island or have had experiences outside.

I was at first eager to put aside the idea cos well, my friend said that they weren't exposed to the world and only realise the things that are within the island. Outside stuff is all read about and media-ified. So basically their perception of the world is confined to either someone's own perception published in a book or something they've seen on TV. But also, seeing that exposure to the outside has made me realised, subconsciously, the finer, more important parts of life are often over-looked when you're raised in a tiny island. Most don't understand the simple lingo of the West and most just don't 'get it'. But it's not because of their intellectual, it's just their ignorance of the world outside. Living in a tiny small island kinda makes you create a tiny small mindset. It's not that I'm smart, it's just that they didn't get the exposure I did.

I was fortunate to live in places abroad; New Zealand, London, New York. It shaped my thinking. I'm outspoken but that's because of frustration of the lack of diversity in the thinking of my people. Jokes are bland and dull, because most don't get grey humor. Conversations are pointless and not thought provoking because most don't even try. I don't need smart friends, I want friends who at least think and give insight of their opinions. I don't need friends who know who tons of shit, just people who can carry a conversation without going into reminiscence of who farted during which awkward moment. Of course this refers to conversations on a more deep thinking approach. Hanging out is alright. Friends can say shit and who cares. But when it comes to a more deeper level of thinking. It gets boring after awhile.

I see things differently from most. And most of the time, I've been upset that I'm so different and have different perceptions from everyone else. I don't see the benefits on little squabbles and bitchin'. I bitch and I know people speak behind my back. It's just life. If you don't accept that people talk behind you, you're very naive. In fact you're an ignorant fool who's self-centred. Now, most people cannot accept that here. They resort to clique formation and a 'priority friends' mentality. It's very immature but that's what I see.

I know I'm not popular, I know people say shit about me. I know people hate my accent, my attitude, my outspoken nature when I voice an opinion because I don't see it right. And I know people have bad impressions of me. Take an example, I was told I was similar to someone slick, dirty and very bitchy, in a effeminate nature. I was shock at the last part. I know I'm not charismatic or likeable, but effeminate? That's a first. I asked people whether I had displays of a female nature, they laughed it off. I can bitch, but it's more of a dull type of bitchin. I see something I tell it like it is, almost monotonous. But then again, I guess I'm seen by people here as 'slick, dirty' and what have you.

The accent doesn't help as I'm also seen as pompous. But that's because I lived overseas, and I'm sorry I picked up accent... similarly to how you picked up yours staying in the country for so long, and I know more General Knowledge nonsense than most. Most are ignorant in the way they perceive and their lack of knowledge doesn't help. If I say something, it's 'oh, there goes Mr Know-It-All'. If some local who speaks in their accent and slang says the same thing, they applaud his understanding and brilliance. I would too, I'd be really impress...But you see the imbalance?

Pfft. Frustrating sometimes. And it doesn't help that it's no one's fault. Finally emotions. Having lived in other countries and having learnt and witnessed how foreigners do it outside made me forget how they do it inside this country. It's almost like there's no sincerity over here. But that's because people here a different approach to helping a friend. It's not very obvious but that's it. They tried and you don't really notice it. But they genuinely do try to make it better. People here are not emotional based and that any context of a question related to emotion is just another act of going through the motion. Lemme rephrase. Over here it's customary, outside it's a chance to speak up. I hear locals complaining about lack of freedom of speech, but Asians are naturally strong willed and aren't very feel based people. I have been asked by friends about how I am and what they can do...but there doesn't seem to be a connection. Stuff I say are somehow changed to avoid them getting offended. If I say something that might blame them, I'm their enemy. I don't know...that's how I perceive. Call me ignorant, call me foolish. I say it as it is.

I think in retrospect. The culture here is very different. I'm different and I don't seem to be able to infiltrate the culture and thinking that easily. To me it's all quite confined and limited to each group. They way they react and perceive is rather different, to some cases shallow. I don't blame them, they were born into this system and they use it. But don't get me wrong, they are very textbook people. Smart, strong, good obedient followers who are also determined. But most just 'don't get it'. I'm not angry, or ever will be, at anyone. I think I've given up on being angry and accepted that I'm just another dude passing by.